Under the clouds is where I feel at ease. Laying on my back atop an abandoned building has become the way I pass the time since the war ended. Losing my older sister during the war has taken me to a dark and lonely place. She was the only family I had left, our parents died during the previous war. She took care of me, raising me to be a strong woman who could take care of herself. But I didn’t realize how much I relied on her until she was gone. Here, under the clouds on the highest building I could find, I feel close to her. If I just raise my hand to the sky and reach the clouds with my fingertips, I could feel her reaching out to me. I feel her love embrace me as the cloud passes the sun. I can smell her perfume that I used to steal from her when I was younger, warm strawberries with lavender and-
Smoke. The familiar smell of nicotine causes me to lower my hands from the sky and fold them on my belly. I haven’t always been familiar with this rooftop. I think it used to be a place where people went to eat, judging by all the tables inside and out, but it seems to have been abandoned for some years now as weeds and leaves have overtaken the building. I used to spend my time on another rooftop, but I don’t go there anymore. Not since the war. Not since my sister’s death. Not since…
I stay silent as I look at the sky, refusing to acknowledge him. I don’t know how he found me, or how he has enough free time to take a smoke break in a building so far away from the Hokage’s office considering he is now the Advisor, or why he’d even want to be here after I broke up with him a month ago.
“You didn’t have to find a new place to gaze at the sky. Ours is still there, waiting for you to come back.” He breaks the silence. I have to take a deep breath to regain control. I haven’t spoken to him in so long and now that he’s here, a few feet away from me, I have to face the truth that I’ve been denying myself for over a month. I miss him.
“It’s your sanctuary, Shikamaru. Not mine.” I reply.
“It became ours the minute you laid on the bench next to me.” We’d been dating for about two years before the war happened. During the time of war preparations, my anxieties grew. The two people I love the most in the world are ninjas and they’re both going to fight the enemy. My sister was a fierce ninja, and my boyfriend was the smartest man out of all of them, but that still didn’t ease my worries. And I was right to worry.
After the war, I became distant from Shikamaru. I would go to work in my tailor shop and go straight home. He got busy with his work, so we saw each other less and less. While he always tried to make time for me, it wasn’t enough. I started spiraling with no end in sight. I’ve already lost my sister, and it felt like I was losing my partner too. He’s a ninja through and through, and I wasn’t sure if I could handle that. So I broke up with him.
He didn’t leave without a fight, though. In the end, he told me he’d always be there for me and that I just needed time to myself. I told him I’d been by myself since he’d returned from the battlefield, now it’s just official. He left without another word.
“Ino tells me you reject their invitations when the girls ask you out to eat.”
Still not looking at him, I respond, “They’re just asking me because of you.”
“What’s that mean?”
“They’re not my friends Shikamaru, they’re yours.”
“That’s bullsh*t.” My neck almost cracks from how quickly I whip my head to look at him. He has never cursed around me. My eyes search his face, this is my first time seeing him again in so long. He’s sporting a small beard, as if he hasn’t shaved in weeks. The bags under his eyes are more prominent than usual and although his hair is pulled back in his signature ponytail, it’s longer than he normally keeps it. Even with these obvious signs of stress, I still think he’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.
“Being an advisor seems to be kicking you in the ass.” I tell him bluntly. He shakes his head and releases a dry chuckle.
“It’s not work that’s been making me lose my mind.” He takes a drag from his cigarette. “Don’t let any of the girls hear you say they’re not your friends. They care about you because you’re you, not because you’re my girl.”
“I’m not your girl anymore.” I whisper. It’s his turn to search me over. I feel his eyes scan my face, moving down my body.
“Have you been eating?” I turn my head back to look at the sky. “Well, you’re gonna eat well enough tonight. I’ve been ordered to bring you in.” Probably from Ino, she has the biggest heart. She’s shown her worry for me since me and Shikamaru broke up. She is close to him, and became close to me when I started dating him. But everyone knows that after a break up, his friends stay his friends and my friends stay mine. But I’ve always been a loner so I never really had anyone other than my sister.
“So you’re not here of your own volition?” I ask him sarcastically.
“That too.” He replies quickly. “You’ve had enough time to experience being single for one last time, but that has come to an end.” I hear him get up from the table next to me and approach me. I glance at his outstretched hand. “Come. They’re waiting for us.” I narrow my eyes. He knows I don’t like to keep people waiting on me, it’s just rude.
“You were so sure that you’d get me to agree?” He raises his brow as a response. I hesitate to take his hand. It feels like I’ve been alone for so long that I’m reluctant to leave my dark corner. To go back to being someone to somebody, and feeling like somebody is someone to me is scary.
“Come on, sweetheart. It’s just lunch with our friends. They miss you.” But do you miss me? I hesitate a bit before I take his hand.
¥
“Don’t forget the movie on Thursday, okay? Sakura said she’d come with us!” Ino says to me as we walk out of the restaurant. Not only were the girls waiting for me and Shikamaru at the restaurant, but so were the boys. When we walked in we were separated, but he still ended up paying for my tab before I got the chance to.
The girls were nice and friendly, like they’ve always been. They talked about their lives, asked how I’ve been and if I’d be willing to go out and watch a new romance movie with them. They didn’t ask about my absence, and for that I’m grateful. All in all, I had a great night. I regret turning down their offers to hang out because I feel really great now, as if I’ve been pulled from the dark and shown that I’m not alone. I have people that have my back.
“I’ll be there.” I tell her as the guys start walking out as well.
“And don’t forget we’re having a get together at my place next month! I better see you there.” Tenten reminds me, giving me a playful glare. I giggle, waving to the girls as they go with their partners. As I turn to leave, I see Shikamaru waiting for me with his hands in his pockets.
“You ready to go?” He asks.
“You don’t have to walk me home.” He motions his head for me to start walking. Letting out a huff, I do. We walk in silence for a bit, taking in the atmosphere. It feels nice outside, not too hot or cold. Shikamaru is still wearing his work vest and, for some reason, I always thought he looked incredibly attractive in it.
“How did you enjoy tonight?”
“I liked it.” I respond. “I want to thank you for paying for my food, although you didn’t have to. And I…” I pause. “I also want to thank you for forcing me to come out tonight. It hasn’t been easy, losing my sister and then losing… Well, I lost the only family I had, but you also lost someone. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t around enough.” He replies. “I only recently realized that I’ve been throwing myself into work because I didn’t want to deal with the grief of losing my dad. And when you broke up with me, I started having trouble sleeping. I felt like even though the war ended, it was still taking away the people I care about. The people I love.” We make it to my front door and turn to face each other before I can wipe a tear on my cheek. Shikamaru wipes it with his thumb as his hand cups my face. “I love you, sweetheart.”
“Oh, Shikamaru. I - I can’t.”
“What’s wrong?”
“You’re a ninja, Shikamaru. Even though now you’re doing office work, people are going to look to you for dangerous missions and tasks. You’re going to be put in life threatening situations and I don’t know if I can lose someone else.”
“You can lose me to death, or you can lose me to your own fear. Yes, my job can be dangerous but I’m doing it to protect the village, to protect my family. You are a part of my family. If we asked my dad or your sister if they regretted becoming ninjas or if they wished they never went to war, I know that they would say no. They would do it all over again if they had to, to protect us. It’s now our job to protect the next generation, and I don’t want to do that without you by my side. You’re my girl, the person who knows me most in this world. And I know you better than anyone else. I know when you’re having trouble sleeping, you sit outside and look at the stars. When you accidentally prick yourself with a needle while working on a project, you close your eyes and let out a little sigh as if it’s disappointed you.” I giggle. “And I know that when you feel too much love or sadness your eyes glaze over with tears, but you don’t let them fall. You don’t want other people to see your weaknesses but I see them. I see them and I love them because that’s who you are. I love you, my girl.”
Letting the sob break free, I crush him into a fierce hug. My body is shaking from the crying but I feel Shikamaru squeezing me tight.
“Say you’ll be mine again. Please. Please.” He whispers intimately in my ear.
“Yes! I’m yours, always.”
“And forever, sweetheart.” He seals the promise with a kiss.
